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Ain’t nobody gonna love me like the devil do!
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So, when i was 17 I went to a trade school in Bangor, ME. I lived on campus and was studying welding when i met a girl named Tricia Clark. I still haven’t got a clue as to why she was so intriguing to me, She just seemed different than everyone there and so out of place. She should have been in high school or starting college but instead ended up at PJCA with the rest of us “no gooders”. I introduced myself in the most abrasive and rude way possible, I don’t recall even asking her name, I just asked her if she had a smoke and if she was gay. (im an idiot) This, i think, put her off slightly, But I am a very persistent person and eventually she came around more and more. She seemed less annoyed by me everyday and before I knew it, we were dating. We never did more than kiss. She intimidated me so much, not because i thought she was too good for me or because she had an intimidating demeanor….I think it’s because I could never figure out what she was thinking or how she was feeling. That freaked me out, but pulled me in even more.
I had a bad drug habit at the time (she did not) and i ended up overdosing in my dorm one night and got kicked out of school. After that we spent some time together on the weekends when she would visit her mom who happened to live right around the corner from me. For some reason i thought it was a good idea to break it off, I had decided on moving back to California, and she wasn’t coming with me. She would have hated it anyways. Almost five years have passed since then. I am back in Maine, living in Portland this time. Apparently she lives here too. I have emailed her so many times, in a pathetic attempt to squeeze my way back into her life. Not for a relationship, just to see how she is and possibly be friends again. No such luck!
In fact, I saw her at a grocery store downtown about a month after i moved here, I couldn’t tell if she had seen me or not and i didn’t have the guts to say hi to her so i waled the other way. I have been beating myself up about it ever since.
What I’m getting at is, for whatever reason i cant let it go. I can’t stop thinking about her. even if she strolls through my min only once in a while its still constant And its agonizing knowing that she probably wants nothing to do with me, even as just an acquaintance. That really hurts to think about. Part of me still believes maybe she just never got my emails and that’s why i go no reply. Deep down I know better than that.
Guess I will never have the privilege of knowing Tricia again. I can live with that. I just wish i didn’t have to.